Alan Shore: Let me tell me two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.
Lester Tremont: That’s three things.
Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already. And I’m just getting started.

 
Alan Shore: Hate to extort and run.

 
Denny Crane: Alan, you know, one thing you sometimes forget is, no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices, how complex your ethical decisions, you always get to choose what you have for lunch.
Alan Shore: Daily, I am amazed at your inexhaustible ability to just live.
Denny Crane: It’s either that or die.

 
Alan Shore: People forgo newspapers for the Internet, where instead of relying on credentialed journalists, they turn to these bloggers… sort of entry-level life-forms, that intellectually have yet to emerge from the primordial ooze…

 

 

Alan Shore: I’m giving notice. I believe two weeks is standard. Now step aside, Paul, before I push you to the ground and go to the bathroom on you.

 

 

Paul Lewiston: You will be present in court at the table because your sudden absence would send a strange message to the jury that might compromise our case, but Denny will ask the questions. If you attempt to ask the witness anything at all, you will be fired.
Alan Shore: There’s a legal term for this. Ah, yes, “Oooooh.”

 

 
Alan Shore: People walk around calling everyone there best friend. The term doesn’t have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or at most third meeting. Birthday cards get passed around offices so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague the barely met. Everyone just loves everyone. As a result when you tell somebody you love them today. It isn’t much heard. I love you Denny, you are my best friend. I couldn’t imagine going through life without you as my best friend.

 

 
Alan Shore: Speaking as an enormously unlikable person, I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those who wish to kill me. Don’t you?
Lori Colson: [no response and walks away]
Alan Shore: Yes… Perhaps you’ll find that witty comeback in your office.

 

 
Paul Lewiston: There’s no opportunity to plead this out?
Alan Shore: Only if I plead guilty which is, of course, unacceptable. I have to worry about a three strikes law since I plan to commit future crimes.

 

 
Alan Shore: To err is human, but to get even? THAT is divine.
Denny Crane: There’s no need to be sorry, Alan. Love, even when it’s fleeting, even if it’s for a day or two…it’s everything. Don’t you agree?
Alan Shore: I do. I actually think it’s why I’m still single. Every morning I get to wake up and I get to wonder: “Will this be the day?” Every night when I lay my head on my pillow I wonder: “Will I meet her tomorrow?” I imagine what she’ll look like, her smile, the way she does her hair, how she laughs, the contour of her breasts, neck… The promise of love can be everything. It’s a magic you really find in marriage if you luck out.
Denny Crane: Do you believe married people can stay in love?
Alan Shore: Oh, I believe thy can know even more profound joys be it with children, the depth of the relationship itself can evolve into something they can’t possibly live without. And yet, it’s something that doesn’t quite so resemble love. It’s not the romance of love.
Denny Crane: I never knew you to be such a romantic.
Alan Shore: My problem is I’m too romantic. No woman can possibly live up to the promise of tomorrow that love holds for me.
Denny Crane: What about me?
Alan Shore: That not the same. You know one thing I do love about you?
Denny Crane: Tell me!
Alan Shore: While many people embrace the promise of tomorrow, too few celebrate the joy of now. And nobody does that like Denny Crane.
Denny Crane: Let me tell you something. When you got polar ice caps melting and breaking off into big chunks and you got Osama still hiding in a cave, planning his next attack, when you got other rogue nations with nuclear arsenals, and not to mention some wack-job, home-grown that can cancel you at any second and when you got…mad cow, now gets high priority. And when you’re still on the balcony on a clear night, sipping scotch with your best friend, now is everything.

 
Alan Shore: [to Tara] Hello, I’m a complete stranger and I’m here to pick you up.
[notices Joe]
Alan Shore: Oh, I see, there’s two of us. I’ll be evens, you be odds.
Joe: You got a problem?
Alan Shore: No, actually. I just saw this fair maiden here talking to a tree trunk, and since I’m an arborist I thought I could help translate.

 
Alan Shore: You have a job to do, and so do I. Yours is to sell socks and suspenders. Mine is to cross examine people like you and crush them.

 
Alan Shore: You know I’m not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.

 
Sally Heep: Is that fair?
Alan Shore: I don’t understand the question.

 
Alan Shore: You know we have a little saying in Massachusetts, “Maybe someday you’ll get horribly sick and die.”
[Melvin looks startled]
Alan Shore: Until then!