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My experience with ‘The Paper Thingie’, Chennai

via The Papier Affair — Word Panache

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I never figured id ever write a Top Five list of my own , but then it occurred to me id rather do that, lest I forget the most funniest English Movie scenes i’ve seen till date . Why of the 20th Century only you ask me? Coz i’ve already forgotten those which i’ve watched in the 90’s …that was the time when in Bombay [ Yeah Stone Age Residents who lived in plush apartments of Juhu still call the city by that name] we’d rather spend our time playing cricket,cycling or battleship and making a big movie scene of our own! And Why English Movies only you ask me? Coz the Undisputed Champions of funny Movies come only from India, with Andaaz Apna Apna topping the charts followed by Michael Madana Kama Rajan , Deewana Mastana,Hera Pheri and Hungama. We also do gravitate towards disastrous movies to the likes of Gunda, Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon,Jaani Dushman and Jimmy which are funny on a whole other level; Hence we are duty bound to throw light on some of the rather good one’s from Hollywood.

Those English Movie Scenes which made me laugh till I cried and made me fart out of approval are as below :

1.Bruce Almighty (2003)

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If the King of Comedy in Hollywood plays God then nothing is sacred anymore , it is a must watch every time when you want to take life in a lighter vein (or) if you want your morning coffee to part the f*** away. The best scene has got to be Jim Carrey aboard the Maid of the Mist with a Backdrop of the Niagara Falls, enacting the following lines :

Bruce: First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber – pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I’m here with Katherine Hepburn’s mom. Tell me, why did you toss the “blue heart of the ocean” jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?

 

2.Love Actually (2003)

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Oh the holiday movies they make in the US are just as cheesy as the Diwali,New Year or Eid releases in India, but this one… hands down is the best of them all; you wouldn’t find it tough to keep up with the 8 different story lines with an awesome starcast.The second best scene(s) in the movie is the crass bromance between Bill Nighy and Gregor Fisher, but the best one had to be acted out by Rowan Atkinson:

Rufus: [gift wrapping a gold necklace] Let me just pop it in the box. There.

Harry: Look, can we be quite quick?

Rufus: Certainly sir. Ready in the flashiest of flashes!

[he ties a ribbon around it]

Rufus: There.

Harry: That’s great.

Rufus: Not quite finished…

Harry: [Rufus pulls out a plastic bag] Actually, I don’t need a bag, I’ll just put it in my pocket.

Rufus: Oh this isn’t a bag, sir.

Harry: Really?

Rufus: This is SO much more than a bag…

 

3.Eurotrip (2004)

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Matt Damon as a junkie Rockstar signing to “Scotty doesn’t know” would simply go unnoticed compared to the scenes played out by other lesser known actors in this Adult Comedy. It’s the sexcapade any guy would dream of but rather never try after seeing what happens to Cooper in Amsterdam , its crazy and hilarious .. But the one dread which would scare the daylights out of any Homophobe has gotta be the Tunnel Scene :

Mi Scusi

Scott: Uh-oh.

Jamie: What?

Scott: Big tunnel.

Creepy Italian Guy: [grins maniacally as the train drives into darkness]

Jamie: [in the commotion] Scotty, is that you? WHO’S TOUCHING ME?

 

4.Bedtime Stories (2008)

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My favourite slapstick Comedy star, he is Hollywood’s answer to Govinda but can occasionally make a gem of a movie like Click and Bedtime Stories . A total fun watch with a Hamster with eyes which would look big on a cow and Russel Brand’s Sleep Panic Disorder. An excerpt of the best line in the movie :

Skeeter Bronson: [looking over the kids’ storybooks] What do ya got here, anyways? “Rainbow Alligator Saves the Wetlands”? Uh, no. “The Organic Squirrel Gets a Bike Helmet”? I’m not reading these Communist books to you guys! Don’t you got any *real* stories?

 

5.This Means War (2012)

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Tom Hardy the mighty backbone crusher ‘Bane’ in a RomCom ! The movie could not have been better , a girl can surely cause a rift between two best buds but eventually Men will be Men; coz ‘Maaf kar dete hain Bhai hai apna!’ The scene where they share their Surveillance resources has gotta be the best ! To tell you what best friends really mean this line from the movie would give you some insight :

Lauren: Oh, I think I’m going to hell

Trish: Don’t worry. If you’re going to hell, I’ll just come pick you up.

 

Honorary Mention : This Is Where I Leave You (2014)

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Adam Driver delivers extremely funny lines with such panache.. you laugh so hard that your stomach gets tied up in a knot ! The Funeral Scene was mind-numbingly funny and the Sitting Shiva family scene  was ultimate awkwardness. Just to add a preliminary warning of why you should never watch this movie with your family, look at this dialogue exchange between a Brother and a Sister  :

Wendy Altman: You need to put a baby in that woman, like yesterday.

Paul Altman: I’m working on it.

Wendy Altman: Have you had your man parts checked?

Paul Altman: Come on, not now Wendy.

Wendy Altman: You may have emptied them over the years… My room was next to yours… My room was next to yours.

 

 

 

Beta Tu Kab Aish Karega?

The stages of life are real strange, we expect the grass to be more greener on the other side but by the time we get to the other side our eyes are then set onto a newer blade of grass taller,shinier and still promising to be more greener on the other side! When Aamir Khan was singing ‘Papa kehte hain bada naam karega’ while smoking grass he was already married, yet unknown to the other women swooning over him in the crowd ,Beta toh abhi se hi Aish kar raha tha.

 

The stages life has put the Beta through, includes the following:

Beta 12 Karle Phir Aish Karega

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This is where it begins , you feel like you are the whipping boy assigned to do the tasks of some prince who reaps all the benefits.. but you get whipped each time when the the idiot doesn’t score in Physics of the psychotic HC Verma (or) have to take two tuitions for Math: One for Boards and the other for Entrance exams. You never told us that prepration for Entrance exams will take a year by itself to scrape through to some engineering college ; and all the hard work you do in getting good scores count for nothing to take you to the next step? And yes the super good looking girl in class is going through the same struggle and is not interested in a conversation beyond the chaat session after tuitions!

 

Beta Graduation Karle Phir Aish Karega

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4 more Years of Pains , Pimples and Paranoia where did we ever get time from assignments , projects, exams , sleepless nights before exams and travelling back home in vacations to regain the lost health just to look close enough to resemble a cloth hangar. A subsided education is awesome , but aage jaake toh laddoo ki ummed na karo, its not there.. it never was its like a mirage in a vague dream and goes beyond the logic of Inception. A Bpo job with a night time Dhaba serving Idly and Sutta is all that a Engineering degree can offer you ..be rest assured , the elusive IT company offer letter would have worn off in the Chennai rains and now would be blocking some corporation drain. And no you cant find a good looking girl in an Engineering college , just like the way you cant find a single strand of Black racist hair on Donald Trump’s scalp… or wait a minute, can you?

 

Beta MBA Karle Phir Aish Karega 

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Engineering kar liya phir MBA toh banta hai , a B School now is like the new marriage bureau you see batchmates who were not even seen together on Grad campuses getting hitched! And yes, you can get through this course if you excel in offloading BS , more BS offloaded will result in a more fertile landscape ensuring that you come through with flying colors. And all that knowledge gained is put to no use : Zomato displayed that in the Chennai floods, which had logistics ready to have food delivered to the needy but not to rescue them; Airtel marketed free calls but no Mobile networks! This is surely the sign of a MBA grads who gets paid to come up with such brilliant plans; an outcome of the numerous case study assignment which are never either morally or practically worthwhile. But you would still want to enroll for MBA for the same reason why you watch a Katrina Kaif or a Nargis Fakhri movie and come out learning nothing but still satisfied.

 

Beta Naukri Karle Phir Aish Karega

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Naukri karna khandaani bimari hai who hamare gene pool main engraved hai. Do you now doubt why Rahul never protested when Sonia asked him to join politics ? He was just as brainless as Sanjay, unfortunately his Mother was never officially in power and never did invade a country 😉 And people are under the presumption that people who work earn , what in fact you are basically doing is selling time your life to people who wont be able to compensate you enough for it when you finally get exhausted and decide to leave. Well you do continue to pray during all this time that the matrimony ad will get you a Girl jise aap ‘Tann, Mann aur Dhan’ se sweekar kar sakte ho!

 

Beta Shaadi Karle Phir Aish Karega

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Modi latest advise to Imran Khan was ‘ Beta zyada chakkaron mein mat pado single raho aur khush rahoge’ . Marriage makes people like Aamir Khan [Staring at you through the TV  with a melodramatic pause ,his wide open eyes and a frown on the brow] think of leaving India…It makes Raja Hindustani get ridiculed as Raja Pakistani. Think about it ! But if you’ve crossed 30 and still not ready do take the plunge, your parents will kick you down the well like King Leonidas while shouting ‘This is Bharat ki Paramparaaaaaaa” But your heart always has a warm feeling when you see a very pretty girl getting married to an average looking Non Ambani and think agar isey mil sakti hai to ummeed abhi baki hai mere dost.

But as the famous poet  Sid Rahiman once said ‘Aish Kare so Aaj Kar Aaj Kare so Ab’ this is the only way to live life ,which makes sense when it finally dawns on you for where you want to head and how you want to grow in life.To quote Leonardo Di Caprio “ To make each moment count”, warna ek sach toh zaroor banta hai:

Beta Mar Jaa Phir Toh Aish hi Aish Hai!

 

All right I admit it , it began as a major fad I wanted to get off my checklist, a raging carnal urge to try what it feels like to actually Keep Calm and Do Yoga! Now if you come to think of it on what would motivate any Young Indian to wake up at 5am in the morning, brush in front of a mirror with eyes half closed not knowing whether you are brushing with your finger or your toilet brush , you cannot be dreaming of Shilpa Shetty doing Yoga (trust me not doing Yoga at least) ; you cannot even expect to find a date in your Yoga class : And then it dawns on you that your House Trash goes out more number of times than you do! The reason was then staring right at my face:

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So yes I wanted to go out and try something new.It just feels like yesterday when everyone was buying a selfie stick [its now the in thing] and I felt so happy when I was gifted one of those, People I believe graduated to using this, as I remember the time when selfies were just called “No one else want to take my picture” so now we take pics with a panoramic view at the backdrop to reassure us that the whole world wants to be in the pic with you! Anyways I digress … The last yoga pose I remember doing before leaving that morning looked like this :

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The Yoga class on Sunday morning 21st June started off with me realizing that these days people do care about the environment and their health[ A total Non-Political reason to participate 😉 ]:  as I arrived in my car for a place just 5mins from my home, my boss along with 10 other people came in their cycles ;While parking I just felt like a guy who ran down a Greenpeace activist sleeping on the pavement !

It started with the stretching exercises, participants were looking up to the Art of Living instructor, a lady with a beautiful smile and an aura calm like Buddha doing Vipassana ; Yes then all good things on a Beautiful Day had to change, while doing Bhujangasana  the guy in front of me wasn’t a Unicorn and he was not farting rainbows. The exercise’s though did make me sweat profusely, I used to prefer lifting 5kg weights pretending they are Thor’s Hammer, in an AC room, in front of a mirror, flexing my bicep and then feel happy of having gotten a step closer to looks like our Bollywood Hunk TicTicMotion .. Naah but that was not to be; I coaxed every nerve and sinew in my body to stretch, urging them to reach for the Mangoes hanging from the tree above my head and was exhausted by the end of it! When I thought I was finally through they showed us a video with over 35000 people gathered in front of Rajpath, hundreds more beneath the Eifel Tower and Sydney Opera house all for Yoga, this motivated us to stretch just a little bit more and like any Jat  Indian that morning I followed course.

The best asana among them all was Shavasana , its how you feel after a very long day at work and throw yourself flat on the bed without a care on what the Nation Wants To Know! The meditation which followed that was even better, with SriSri Ravishankar’s soothing voice and mesmerizing background score making you feel like floating in the Himalayas even in the midst of a Hot n Humid Chennai late morning. And then Reality called so I hung up those thoughts and moved on to the announcement of Breakfast being served on the Garden Rooftop, it was the best food I had in Chennai till date; All the burned calorie counter was filling up again and filling fast! I just hoped that my effort won’t melt down to that that of ‘Mrs.Kent Ro Paani Hi Lena’ wielding a broom in a bright pink saree with a posse of policeman cleaning on a street with no litter, towards a Swachh Bharat; I promised myself to put more effort than that, with a goal to magically transform into someone like this is the near distant future :

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The onset of the Friendships Week had me contemplating on that thought of my subject line, though I have really loved every bit  of affection, care and concern I have received from my friends but there are these common traits among all of them which is: Being Crazy , Sarcastic, Honestly Insulting,mostly a Wonderful Company, which have to a great extent melted my dark stone cold heart. Whoops they would end up thinking i’m critically unwell for writing such emotional mushy stuff 🙂

Not everyone agrees to where I am and what I have made of my life, they feel that I could do much better, but my true friends don’t care and are proud of what I am now ( which I feel is nothing but insane). I had lately been browsing through Pinterest and had to share few of the funny friendship quotes truly worth putting up considering all the other nonsense I have spoken n written about[which will even put Derek O Brien as Mamta’s chief spokesperson to shame 😉 ] :

 

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This is among the first things which gets me to like people I love to hang out with , we could end up talking all day about things which are not going to affect the economy and are basically of no consequence at all .It can include contemplating on why ‘Bulla raktha hai Kulla’ or being rude to all SRK movies and curse on why the bloody b**** does he have to ridicule South Indians and Rajni fans with the shitty tributes and Lungi Dance!

 

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Another classic reason to be with friends forever … that when we get together it is more than just spreading cake icing over the other’s face on their birthdays, but pranks!Loved the days in my hostel during college where the only interesting thing to do [in the middle of a godforsaken deserted town] was to put each other into trouble , but I ended up being on the receiving ends more than often.

 

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Fishing a friend out of trouble was almost all the time during my school days. Had a totally zany group I used to be with at School where we were constantly advised by teachers and parents not be in the company of one another.I remember the fist fight with a good friend where it was his fists and my head; then landing him into trouble with the principal and when he was being beaten up by his mom I went over to apologize!

 

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When you go to the battlefront we are are behind you in an instant to stand with you and ready to fight side by side ; But when your opponents who are local goons with burning red eyes , twice the size of Ghajini , skin as black as coal and shouting expletives in chaste Tamil combined with colloquial trash talk … charge at you with hockey sticks, we shout ‘Run for dear life and save your own ass!’ If they catch you act like they are ur brother’s and you, just like them, suffer from short term memory loss 🙂

 

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My choice is your choice and beyond that I quote Raj Babbar from Jaani Dushman ‘ Do Not Argue!’ If you are stuck in Mumbai rains and are listening to Priyanka Chopra on stereo singing @ Mumbai Cuba Baby Leeeet’s Go La-lalala Love Me All The Waay to Riiiiiioooo @ and happen to tweet about it then may Thor strike you down with his thunderbolt. We share and listen to music only which the both of us equally like and appreciate.And yes, of the lot of all shitty songs, Yo Yo Honey Singh does make it to the top secret exception list.

 

For all the other weird eccentricities that my friends exhibit herein lies the answer:

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An amazingly enjoyable, beautiful and danceable classic. Definitely different, a track that stands alone. The track is Raja Babu’s “Aa Aa Eee Oo Oo Ooo” a cult classic from among the closet of the most popular Govinda songs.

I was listening to this track and it took me back to the year of ‘94 when I had first heard this song on cable TV and its was a raging hit , I had also learnt a few dance moves thanks to this: which came close to compete with Annabelle the sheep of RealPlayer.

 But do not laugh at its lyrics as it is a beautiful tribute to the style of Chaucer’s Poetry. Here is a Wikipedia extract to help you with your ignorance:

Chaucer’s verse is written in Middle English which differs from Modern English in a number of respects. The differences that will be relevant are:

 Pronunciation of Vowels

• Long vowels vs. short vowels.

The difference between long and short vowels is important for the rules of stress placement, discussed below under 2.

• Diphthongs

Sequences of two (different) vowels which combine to form the vocalic part of a syllable.

Long vowels or diphthongs

A vowel letter followed by another vowel letter or by usually represents a long vowel or a diphthong; Note Eg:

aa, ee, ea, oo, oi, ou, eu, ai, ei

ow, oy, ew, ey, uw, aw, ay

The fact is that this song also wanted to state the deep need of uneducated Indian men in wanting to learn English and express their heart out to the chick they wanted to get hitched to; it gave them a better chance at their proposal. Excerpts from the song:

Good Morning madam !

Q:Aap kaun hai ?  A: Hum log teachers hai..

Aapke student ko padhne likhen ke

kabil banane aayi hai

Namaste teacher, Namaste student.

Bolo : a for apple, a for apple

b for ball, b for ball

c for cat …… nahi c for card marriage card !

In the meanwhile while I try and figure out on Why does Shakti Kapoor wear only his kachha with his Nada hanging out [or] Why do the teachers start dancing with choreography involving constant lifting of their saris [or] Why does Govinda dress up the way he does …. Click the pic and check out this Song:

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To Poet or not to Poet

I recently read a few poems and I wondered how few people could write such wonderful stories and call it as poetry even without making it rhyme. In fact till date i do not understand how do publishers classify contemporary poems [Including random banter] written in deep trouble or stress as Poetry.. is it only because it is structured in paragraphs? It is like : Have you thought if you had just read Norah Jones songs would she have ever won all those Grammy Awards … or if a fifth grader had thought that Dido was actually a poet by reading just the lyrics! I most certainly believe that a poem has more soul to it and way more beautiful when compared to a prose.

I have always liked poetry and still keep the books which I was made to buy when I was in school. I did not appreciate it much at that time as we were made to write summaries on them which had to be equal to [The count of number of words in the godforsaken Poem]*4  ; A painful ordeal for a child , the poet was subject to more number of ‘Unforgivable Curses’  than J.K.Rowling could have ever imagined of. But I always envied them and wrote amateurish stuff like:

“I came here 
To sit and think.
But all I do
Is shit and stink.”

I later thought that it could run in the family , but was proved wrong when my sister won a prize in school for writing a really good poem.I could speak and communicate well , but have not succeeded still in rhyming few lines with some deep meaning: which can subject a child from expanding my four lines to sixteen.My friend had written a beautifully worded poem on having the day in your life where everything goes on just the way you like, which inspired me to try again.So on the occasion of the New Year’s eve I pen down this garbage dump of words forcefully stitched together :

‘Twas the night before New Year’s
And I read my poem to my dear’s
They swore and ran out of sight ..
Said “Curse you  Sid and Have a hell of a Night”!’

 

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So why does Facebook encourage people to post their pics online? Is it because your face is as stunning as Liv Tyler or Johnny Depp, well that may be true but not the reason.Once you’ve posted your pics on FB , you’ve granted the company the license to use it. To put it in a more dramatic way as James Bond would have said it : ‘A license to kill’ your privacy and without you earning a dime.

Well in theory they can use it in any way they want , for instance corporate promotional material or ads, unless you know how to Opt Out. They allow other businesses that you have ‘Liked’ to use your profile photo on ads shown on your friends pages.

The User Agreement clearly states that “You grant us a non-exclusive, transferable , sub-licenseable, royalty free worldwide license to use any IP content that you post on or in connection with Facebook.” [Godforsaken shit… Snore! Is it any wonder why people skip this?]

Very often third party advertisers have used photos without the users consent.A few years ago , a man logged on to his account and stumbled upon an ad for an online dating service. Imagine who was the star of the said ad? His Wife! Awkward! The service just lifted her profile photo from her page.

Well this isn’t going to stop me from posting photos on FB but just to ensure my face is not used for promoting ‘Champi Hair Oil’ ill use this as my Profile Pic next :

 

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The Curious Case of Uday Chopra

ROFLMAO

Heartranjan's Blog

Last week, I came across a bit of news that was truly depressing.

No, it was not about India’s show in the Olympics. Neither was it about Aishwarya Rai’s weight. It was something more depressing.

Uday Chopra is apparently dating Nargis Fakri these days.

Those who have watched Rockstar would know who Nargis Fakhri is. Fans of her smoldering hot looks called her ‘Duck Face’ and those who weren’t impressed by her acting called her something that rhymes closely.

But no matter what your opinion, you cannot deny that Nargis Fakhri is undeniably hot.

Which now brings us to the topic of Uday Chopra.

It must be a great pressure to be Uday Chopra. Like Sachin Tendulkar’s son having the cricketing skills of Dodda Ganesh. Son of one of the biggest directors in the industry, family that owns one of the largest ‘camps’ and produces a slew of films every…

View original post 1,370 more words

It’s easy to get carried away by the Olympics. As a distinguished Financial Times columnist pointed out last week, the games are an excuse for “platitudinous lessons that business can learn from athletes. One management thinker suggests that individuals and leaders go for gold. Another that business should strive to be faster, stronger, higher. The only piece of research that has caught my fancy was something in the journal Psychological Science saying that “Sportsmen can boost performance by wearing a lucky pair of underpants.” I believe none of us in our professional lives have had the need to go that far. 

 

But there is perhaps one lesson that we can all draw from the Olympic Games as they continue in London, and it’s a simple one: people can achieve incredible things if they are prepared, focused, and willing to reach beyond what they thought they could do. I think we all have the potential inside us to do just that.

 

The journey to scale such heights in our professional field, I know it will be hard, but it probably won’t hurt to wear a lucky underpants after all, just in case!

 

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Kelsey L. Munger

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